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Question: What kind of reptile lives in a green city?

Answer: The Lizard of Oz!


"In England, Smoky the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative; they have Smacky the Frog.  I think that's a better system and we should adopt it, because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool.

Like, never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, 'Man! I'd better play dead.'  You never say, 'Here comes that frog,' in a nervous manner - it's always like, optimistic.  'Here comes that frog.  All right!  Maybe he will settle near me, and I can pet him and put him in a mayonnaise jar with a stick and a leaf to re-create what he's used to.  Then I can observe him.'

I like to talk about the differences between frogs and bears.  When there's a frog around, I don't have to hang my snadwiches from a branch.  If I want some honey on my toast, I don't have to squeeze a plastic frog." - Mitch Hedberg


"When I was a teenager I got fired from my job at a pet store. The thing is, they had these three snakes, and I braided them. I tried to sell them as a rare, three-headed snake from Connecticut." - Stephen Wright


A cowboy walks into a saloon with a Taricha torosa perched on the brim of his hat.  He says to the bartender, "A sarsaparilla for me and a bowl of fresh water for Tiny here."

"Why do you call him Tiny?" asks the bartender.

"Obviously," says the cowboy, "because he's my newt."

Frank and Ernest


A tortoise is walking along one day and gets mugged by a gang of snails.

A police officer arrives at the scene of the crime and says, "Can you describe the assailants?"

The tortoise replies, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"